


Silent Chess

by salazar_kat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salazar_kat/pseuds/salazar_kat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus Snape is one snarky, conflicted and confused teenager. One person in his family doesn't mind at all. Livius Prince, OC, Severus' maternal grandfather.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Parts One Through Three

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the first fan works I ever produced. It's stilted and not much action but a lot of brain picking. Severus is nowhere near as truly sarcastic as he should be. Still worth the read!

Section I: And So We Begin

Severus was a thin, weedy kid - he looked like he spent his days hiding and refusing meals. He was very pale, for he rarely saw sunlight. Northern England didn't have a lot of sun, and the smokestacks' fumes obscured what little sun there was. He preferred books to people – for human interaction he preferred to know characters from books rather than live, breathing friends. But Grandpa Livius, Severus could live with. The coolest person Severus knew. He didn't know many. His appearance, that of grabbing clothes of varying sizes off the clothesline at random, and a snarky, better-than-you attitude did not encourage many to make friends of him. He was teased, but it was water off a snake's coils.

When Grandpa Livius came to stay for a week twice a year, Severus thought he finally had someone. He was always sceptical about advice, but this wasn't pat nonsense. This is what Grandfather had lived, really lived, not the self-help hogwash that his father read but never put into use. He smiled as he thought he himself deserved to be in Snarkaholics Anonymous.

Livius had begun to teach Severus Wizard Chess. Sarcastic even at a tender age, he was a little hard to get along with. For Livius, it was nothing that concerned him. He was a Ravenclaw. There were many Ravenclaws peppered throughout the wizarding part of the family.

And so the boy had learned the rudimentary rules of chess; now came the fun part. Chess in silence. By the age of seven, Severus' magic was very evident, much more so than making odd things happen even as a toddler, such as letting the canaries out by magic or opening doors, and always knowing when he was being lied to. That last one gave Livius a strange premonition. Severus had a darkness about him, but also endless hope, if a tortured hope. To be off to Hogwarts. Already he was reading heavy, dusty old books of magical theory. He may have seemed immature but he was very well-read.

The day the boy turned nine, Livius decided to teach him some highly obscure and useful adult wizard magic. They would try over Wizard Chess. Severus had learned the number one rule of time with Livius, his favourite person in his life so far – he couldn't speak of chess-playing aloud, his Grandfather told him, taking out the board and pieces. They were to guide the pieces with mind magic alone. No speaking to the pieces. No mention of the game at all.

This helped Severus a lot. He was learning focus. Control over something small, at least. He wasn't in control of Tobias. He always thought of him as “the second parent” or by his first name. He called him 'sir' but never 'Dad' or 'father'. Livius wanted to see the boy's innate defences.

“Are you ready for an experiment?” Asked Livius Prince. Severus cocked an eyebrow and a sceptical look crossed his pouty nine-year-old face. “Depends on what it is,” Severus said, staring at the snow outside. January 9 and they'd made him a cake which sank in the middle. The chocolate icing was good. His mum gave him a gift certificate to Flourish and Blotts - 15 Galleons! His grandfather said his gift was a game of chess. It would prove useful, he said.

“I want to teach you of a bit of magic so rare...but of course, you have no wand and could not resist me...” Livius was taunting him slightly, and got the result he wanted.

“I can do magic without a wand. Or I could borrow Mum's. I've used hers before. It was so cool...” Severus' eyes were drifting in the memory of such hidden potential. He wanted to live up to it. “I bet I could do it without a wand.”

Livius cocked his eyebrow in the same way. So did Eileen. Livius stood for Muggle-born rights; Eileen carefully forgot to tell Severus that. She found it much like cat vomit on a clean Turkish carpet. Her marriage was the result of a wine-sodden pregnancy, and the maths of conception pointed to a Muggle. Tobias. Resigned to mutual dislike, they married.

“Okay, when I say the following word – Legilimens! – you try any spell you think of to deter me from delving into the channels of your undoubtedly Slytherin mind.”

“You- you think so?” Severus felt like helium was filling his innards and he would float soon. He looked at the board. His turn to play white. A pawn moved two paces.

“You're smart enough for Ravenclaw but you have such cunning and dark wit, and there's no headdress reading “Sarcasm beyond measure is man's greatest treasure!” The 'old man', who was only in his late 50s, quipped, “and how would you get past the doorknocker? It asks deep questions that would not have the many layers of a brooding personality. You tend to pout. You'd stand there forever and a day...unless of course it was logic. You'd get that. But it sticks to metaphors and analogies.”

“What are metaphors and anaglories?” the confused nine-year-old asked, pulling the hair in front of his face back and holding it for a moment, looking at Livius, then let if flop greasily in his face again. Let people scoff that he didn't wash his hair. He could wash it three times a day and it would still be oily. “I thought we were talking about Occlemancy and Legalmency.”

“I won't tell you until you pronounce the names of the spells properly. It does help to know the incantation.” Sarcasm in the last sentence. Severus grinned at his grandfather.

The game had progressed. Severus, playing lightning-fast, had decimated Livius' queen and was splattering the chessboard with the broken bishop he'd just nimbly attacked like a stealthy samurai. Livius smiled at the game but said nothing. “Occlumency. This shields the mind against psychic attack. It shows our thoughts, feelings, images and desperate dreams to those who use it, but it's opposite isn't mind-reading. It is far, far more complex than that.”

“Occlumency, shields from someone stealing mental images from me,” Severus parroted with a sly grin. He always delved into the problem, saw the meaning behind it before anyone else. He couldn't put it in words other that he was smart in seeing things others didn't often pick up on.

“On to Legilimency,” Livius pressed on, amazed by the precocious kid, but not utterly amazed. He knew the little boy was hyper-intelligent, but asocial and what seemed at first glance amoral, until he realized the boy had morals of his own, even at nine years old. “Legilimency is Occlumency in reverse. You can draw torrents of images from others. It is hard to resist; Occlumency is the only true defence against it.

Severus sat straighter, still looking at the chessboard. “Could you see what my next move will be?”

“Did we come together to discuss Wizard Chess? You don't listen...”

“I meant in life. Just because I stared below doesn't mean it was what I was talkin' about. I know we play silently...while jabbering about...may I pronounce it right...Legilimency”

“To work!” Livius said.

“To work,” Severus said, holding an imaginary wine glass in his left hand. Livius rolled his eyes. Severus would roll his eyes but he couldn't bring himself to be so expressive, at least not in that way. There was a teddy bear under the table, held between Severus' ankles. Tobias stalked over, reeking of rum, and attempted to interrupt. “Don't you know you shouldn't be playing with dolls any more?”

“It's not a doll, it's a stuffed animal, and it's the only animal I have. I won't let you take it from me.” Severus concentrated on Confunding his father, but not knowing that was the name of it. Severus looked at Tobias Snape with scorn. To think I'm half of him, he thought. Brr. The spell worked. Tobias looked glazed and dazed, and wandered into the kitchen for more rum.

“Show me this Occlumency and Legitmacy.” Severus pressed. “Will it help me escape Spinner's End?”

“That is entirely up to you,” Livius answered.

“Could it be entirely up to me if I change my name to Severus Livius Prince?”

“Only Muggles do such a thing.” Livius smiled sadly. “As I said before: to work. Now empty your mind.” Severus snorted. “You sound like Dad's New Age stuff.” Then he became all too serious, working hard to free his mind of emotion.

Severus was a natural. By the sixth attempt Severus was able to break free of Legilimency and managed to view a few of his grandfather's thoughts – which came like a wild stream full of salmon. He couldn't catch the salmon, but he could watch them leap.

Next game, maybe Livius would win a chess game. He had before. They had continued to play throughout the “battle” that raged. The game was over, and little Severus had won through sneaky tactics- too subtle even for a Ravenclaw to notice and he wondered what was awaiting him next time, anticipation burning in his veins like Salamander blood on exposed skin.

How much did he need to know? He needed to know everything.

 

Section II: The Need To Know

Severus had three words that he applied to Livius Prince, and he saw that they really fit instead of just sounding cool. Grandpa was “Interesting ... intriguing ... ingenious!” He had invented Silent Wizard Chess. He even put a silencing charm on the board and pieces because they were not to be distracted by the rook and the knight having it out and smashing the other in two. The pieces also couldn't shout advice. Severus recognized that Grandpa Livius wasn't old; Grandpa was barely 57.

Severus had grown more reflective. If the world was unfair and stank, then it was not a big deductive leap to think that if he was at times unfair or was biting in his sarcasm, he was just reflecting the world around him. He was able to stand straighter, for the burden of guilt had been eased a lot by this dark epiphany. Being nine, he didn't use these words to describe it. He wasn't even sure he was allowed to exist.

Grandpa Livius had discovered something that he sincerely hoped never reached his Mum's ears. Severus was enchanted by the wiles of an unbearably cute Muggle-born witch who had amazing control magically. She did what she wanted on demand, as far as magic goes, or so it seemed to Severus. They played by the playground quite far across the river that was mostly brown and murky. He had a new friend, Lily Evans, but had yet to speak to her. She didn't know Severus existed. He had to ask Grandpa Livius. When he met Livius, he asked if Muggle-borns were real humans, or if they were like his father, whose anger followed him like a mistreated pet? Was it worth risking the Statue of Secrecies? For a girl?

“It's the Statute of Secrecy,” Livius told Severus over a chess board that was being depleted of white figures very slowly and methodically. Livius was playing white this time. Livius grimaced slightly that the boy had such look-ahead in chess, unlike most who would be distracted from the hushed game by the real life problems. Severus was faintly cute, being a kid, but already his nose showed in great prominence, and he had that Prince family sallow skin. 

“Her name...is Lily,” Severus breathed the last word. “I want to be her friend. I don't know how to make friends." 

Livius winked. “Use that ancient tradition. Talk to her. Accept her life and she will accept yours. Muggle-born. So what! She has the ability!" Livius chortled. 

"Don't be yelling about that to Mum," Severus said slyly. “I told Mum that Lily's parents work for the Ministry. It's true. They work for the Muggle Minister of Finance, whatever that is supposed to be. And they have a dog! A Shepherd dog!

Livius was busy concentrating on trying to win. Now he still had two bishops and a knight, the king and two pawns that stumbled across the board as if made intoxicated by lack of sleep. Severus noticed, but talking of chess was taboo. “A German Shepherd!” he impressed upon his grandfather, whose hair was the same raven blue-black of Severus. 'Prince hair.' Eileen had it too. Livius came out of what seemed a daze, yet said as if he had caught everything, “Whatever kind of dog she has... she could have a pekinese and you'd long for it. This Lily sounds interesting. Talk to her.”

“I can't,” griped Severus. “She may be my age but we are so different. She's a ... better ... person than me. She will take one glimpse of who I am and turn tail and run.”

“You said she has a dog, not is a dog. Turn tail...” Livius joked, crinkles appearing near his eyes.

“Are you calling my Lily a bitch?” Severus was on his feet, his shoulder-length hair flying in rage, He leaned toward his grandfather. “Don't, please! I don't care if I have to wait until I'm 17 and can use magic, I'll stop it!" Severus' face was an unpleasant jaundiced colour. "And besides, I'm nine! I can use..."

Livius laughed, further infuriating Severus. “You don't know...what I'm saying. It was a laugh. No such word intended. But the way you inferred it shows you're a little protective of the girl.”

“I know I am. I've done things to her Muggle-Muggle sister when she teases or pushes Lily, from behind my bush. I have been watching for three weeks. She can catapult off a swing and fly.” Severus was red in the face, embarrassment an emotion he was trying to keep undetected.

Livius was concentrating on the match, so Severus went for introspection, watching his grandfather's lips move as he silently mouthed his next strategy.

He didn't like what he was, so he thought he'd tear down his old self and rebuild himself differently. The problem was, he'd used the same bricks. They'd been forced upon him. He was nowhere near close an age to escape Spinner's End, but he had slept under an overpass in a tangle of sheets that were wet and stickily damp and clingy with dew when he awoke. So were all of his clothes. He'd gone home. He'd received one of the worst bamboo-on-the-legs attacks he'd ever 'earned' – he had twelve welts when it was over. When he got big enough, he'd deck Tobias.

“Grandpa?” Severus asked, struck by a wonderful, awesome idea “Can you talk to Mum and convince her to either give me away to an orphanage or ... whatever. Um. Get a divorce. Useless Muggle anyway. Never met one that wasn't thick in the head.”

“What about your Muggle-born friend. Are her parents idiots?”

“They all look happy. I'd rather be here with you and Mum than stuck like her with no wizards to talk to. She needs me...” Severus' voice trailed away and he imagined himself taking her hand and leading her somewhere private where they could show each other their magic.

The match was nearly over and Severus grinned. Grandpa Livius was going to win for the first time since Severus really learned the game. Or was he?

His rook zoomed unexpectedly into Grandpa's queen. Severus grinned. He loved to win even if it was no glory and all achievement. He didn't need anyone to tell him he was a chess master in the making. Severus looked at his grandfather. His eyes looked too shiny, his skin a tad too yellow. He looked thin like Severus. First time he'd really taken that in, that he was the image of Grandpa Livius.

“Go to your girl? You have to truly beat me first.” Livius was grinning. He loved posing challenges. Two minutes later, Severus lost his rook. Now! Unseen by the untrained grandfather eye, a pawn became a queen. He was consistently doing that, almost every game. After hopping for a full minute, the king gave into the new queen.

“I think I'd better go and tell Lily who she is.” His stomach swirled as he thought of red hair, green eyes. He was glad he wasn't colour blind and didn't see them as opposites. 

“I let you win, as usual.” Livius smirked. “And make sure you let her know who you are.” Livius waved an arm toward the books that stood floor to roof and most of which the venerable Dumbledore would never allow in the Hogwarts Library. So far away.

“Of course you let me win. It never changes. Who am I, by the way?” Severus raised an ironic eyebrow for the millionth time. He looked curious and smug.

“The resident pain of Spinner's End, soon to be the resident pain of Slytherin house.” Severus said it with a crooked smile. Ironic in tone but true in meaning, Livius thought.

“Maybe I'll land in Ravenclaw. Someone told me that the Ravenclaws are too smart to let me into their common room.”

“They are quite right.” Livius reached a hand into his rucksack, and pulled out a Slytherin scarf. “If you're a Ravenclaw you don't want this,” he teased. Severus' mouth was wide open. A Hogwarts scarf, his? His shock became more pronounced. “I haven't tried on that Sorting Hat yet,” Severus observed with disappointment.

“Pretty much, it goes with your mind's desire. If you are unsure or off base, it will sort at will.” Livius was the master of houses and Hogwarts trivia. Severus stood stock still.

Livius couldn't stand Severus' inaction on a day like this. “Come on, put on that admirable scarf and go meet your ... female friend. If she's any decent kid she'll be making sand sculptures by magic. Or bewitching stones to strike ten times as hard...”

And he didn't see her at all until September. School then kept Lily and Petunia at bay. He wanted to teach her about Quidditch and Owl Post and Azkaban and how they'd be Sorted. The fleet of boats. Perhaps he would skip Filch and to some degree Slughorn.

Lily had so much magic he felt inadequate to talk to her. He seized his chance in the final days of the month and made a complete ass of himself. She was so interested that she forgot Petunia's admonitions to stay away from “that Snape boy” who lives down by the river.

Silent chess conversations kept popping into his head. He would tell Lily who he was, and just hope she didn't run in anger like she had the last time.

“Lily?” he asked, coming up on her and pressing something into her hand, “I'd like you to have this.” He pressed a book into her hand. “The Standard Book of Spells Grade One, by Miranda Goshawk.” she whispered. “It's old. It's proof. It's real! Sev! Wow!” She planted a kiss on his forehead, and he burned. “If all else fails with girls, try bribery,” Grandpa Vilnius’s voice came back to him. Severus gave a satisfied smile. If Lily was the end any means to please her was fine with him.

 

Part III: A Welcome Visitor

It had been a while since Livius had come to call, but come he finally did. Severus' early twelfth birthday party ended in a game of chess, what may be the final game that Severus would play silently with his grandfather. The board was as silent as a Muggle chessboard- perhaps even more so, as the pieces moved soundlessly across the black and white surface of the smooth pressed board. It was not an expensive thing; it had come from the corner shop that used to operate when Tobias Snape was ten years old and had bought it with his allowance. He had never even opened the box. Livius Prince and his grandson Severus had exchanged quite a long and knowing look when the board had been found five years ago. Livius had transfigured the pieces. Even at seven years old, Severus had looked down upon who those people he considered to be intellectual inferiors. Grandpa Livius was not among them.

He loved his grandfather, and he loved the flowing red flames that was Lily's hair, but beyond even them he loved Hogwarts. The only reason to return home was to spend the holiday with his grandfather. It meant he was free, and he was far more studious at the school than he had been at home, even with the home library that could rival the Restricted Section at Hogwarts. But he needed to know things, on the day that was his last for the holidays. He had to return to Hogwarts before his birthday, but the early celebration at home was only truly worthwhile if there was a silent chess match.

His friend Lily joined them to watch the chess game. He had taught her to play at school. She was terrible at chess, at least so far. Lily was another bright light at Hogwarts. Severus loved the way her mind worked so intuitively. In his twelve-year-old mind she was ''cunning and quick-witted.” Lily resented the word 'cunning', not believing that it described her at all, but Severus was shrewd enough to know that it applied to her every bit as much as it did to him.

The problem with Hogwarts, as with primary school, was that he had enemies. Hopefully Grandpa Livius could tell him how to deal with bullies. With most of the cases at school, once he confronted them, they fell silent. James Potter and Sirius Black seemed to take it as a challenge. Not easy to hex? Then go after them to keep boredom at bay. Feel powerful in how angry you can make someone. Severus knew if he never rose to their bait they'd leave him alone.

He wasn't one to pass up angry retorts and hexes of his own. Madam Pomfrey said, “Gotta be cool, have we? Don't come complaining to me.” This she said as his eyebrows grew over his mouth, and Potter sat in the next bed with arms shrunken into what looked like wilted asparagus.

But he was at his party, and the chess game was looming nearer, and Severus thought he might let his grandfather win. Or was his grandfather letting him win? Grandpa Livius was such a good Occlumens, he'd never know. He wanted to know about the Sorting too, to tell him what the Hat had said, things he would repeat only to him...and Lily.

“If you would befriend darkness, and defy all the odds, to win in light at the end, if only against your free will, with all your determination and cunning, and oh yes, you will, then better be ...  
SLYTHERIN!”

Severus had no clue what these words really meant. The subtle Hat had Confunded his ears. Bullies and the mystery Hat, that was what concerned him. Not his birthday. He could care less what 'number' he was. He stopped caring about such trivial things when he'd found the important elements of life: love and power.

He did not need to exert power over anyone but himself. He knew that all along. The power he wanted was personal. It was escape, it was inner strength, it was learning how powerful silences can be. It was confrontation of the things that held him back, and how to glory in small things like Potions marks but not get carried away with glory. That was for lesser beings, especially the vainglorious nature of some of his fellow Slytherins, and the big-headed Gryffindors, and the oh-so-snooty intellectuals of Ravenclaw. These thoughts, he thought even to himself, were ridiculously advanced for twelve.

So be it! If he really was headed for light down a dark path, why take this path at any other place than Hogwarts?

And so it was that Severus knelt on the ground opposite his grandfather, for what he knew would be the final time. There was no spell to cure cancer. Tears stung his eyes and his throat grew tight as his white pieces matched those opposite him. Livius' unnaturally yellowish and pale skin was contradicted by the look of warmth in Livius' eyes, the eyes that understood all too much.

How much did he need to know? He needed to know everything. Everything was now limited by that nasty element of life called death. It was just one element. Why did it hurt so much, both the manner of Grandpa Livius' death and the death of most of the happiness inside him? He had Lily now ...yet sometimes he sensed he never had her, never fully. She was his opposite, even, in so many ways. She watched from the ground, her eyes settling first on Severus' face, then Livius', then back again.

White moves first. First thing he'd learnt about chess. And it began. “Tell me, if you can, a few things before I have to go back to school. Why do people feel like they need to rule others?”

“Because they feel insignificant if they don't. They have to idea of who they are. That they can be loved without needing to get it from the trivial sufferings of others.” Livius said, again amazed by how astute the kid was. Perhaps if he had encouraged the boy to be a Ravenclaw... 

Livius remembered how the Sorting Hat had wanted him to go to Slytherin, but he he didn't want to be in the same house as his sister, so she'd stayed alone in the dungeons, and he went off to Ravenclaw Tower, second choice. He wondered himself what he was ... who he was ... if he was loved. He looked at the face of his grandson. That was love in there with all the curiosity and apparent snide disagreement. However a closed look fell on Severus' face again, that was never quite enough to conceal the frustrated hope he had in him. So much for inscrutability. The boy would have to hone that skill.

There was a silence as the queen-side castle moved in to the open on Livius' side, the black piece moving smoothly as a boat in still waters. “Another question, grandson?”

“How did you deal with bullies at school? How are you supposed to defeat them?”

“Defeat them with a silence as powerful as I have cast over these chess pieces. Not this little Muffliato Charm, which you may take as your own. Not Silencio. A different type of charm altogether. Don't respond unless it is worthy of you to respond.”

Severus looked outraged. “That's impossible!”

Livius smiled. “Then you have a problem, don't you?” He couldn't keep the irony out of his voice. Nor did he want to. “You've chosen defeat over victory, As long as they have power over you, they win.”

He grinned into Severus' mutinous face. Then Severus' face collapsed. He looked faintly tortured. “Maybe if I'd been in Ravenclaw I'd be able to understand you. I don't understand that. I can't begin to 'get' that.” He sketched quotation marks into the air at the word 'get'. “There's a lot of things I don't 'get' either.”

Lily made to move but Severus looked away from her, “I don't get why you have to die. You're barely old. Not even with grey hair. It's unfair. If anyone should die, it's me. The Hat said ... it said ... “if you would befriend darkness, and defy all the odds, to win in light at the end, if only against your free will, with all your determination and shrewd cunning, and oh yes, you will...”

“You trust a Hat? Go with your instinct, your instinct, always. Think. Are you a bad person?”

“No!” snapped Severus at the same time as Livius, and then Lily agreed.“No!” 

Then he said, “It's not bad to be a Slytherin, if that's what you mean, though I wonder sometimes. Then I see even bigger asses in other Houses. It's not about the Hat.” Severus thought far ahead of his words, yet his words were still coming in a rush, very unlike him. “It's about death. It's about life. Nothing is fair, I love school, and I love Lily, and I love you, and one day none of that will be there anymore.” He looked closely at Lily. “Most likely,” he added. “And I can't play or have fun because that's just giving in, it's weakness, to play off little wants.” He shrugged. “Everything is trivial, almost nothing has any meaning. Why bother?”

Livius stared at the depth of his grandson. Was his imminent death going to lead the boy into despair? It sounded it. Or perhaps he lived this despair every day. He stared into the glimmering black eyes, and tried to see that strangled hope. It was still there, he could sense it. Having Tobias as a father hadn't knocked all the stuffing out of him, Eileen had as least stopped him short of that.

The game was still being played. The tension between the three was palpable.“Who will I play chess with when you are gone?”

“Are we speaking of chess or are we speaking of a mentor?” Livius asked. His queen moved dramatically across the board, capturing a knight.

“Both.” Severus had the king in check.

“I would suggest ... Albus Dumbledore.”

Severus nodded soberly. He forgot. He broke the silence.

“Checkmate.”


	2. Sections Four Through Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silent Chess matches aren't the only thing on their minds. There's always wit and snark.

Section IV: In Scarborough

Livius Prince lived in a small cottage along the shores of northern England, in Scarborough, North Yorkshire. His grandson Severus stood at the hearth with a sleeping bag under one arm and a rucksack over one shoulder. He had just arrived by Floo powder. He would have sent an owl ahead to tell Grandpa Livius that he was coming, but father wouldn't permit owls in the house. It was Easter break. He knew Livius wouldn't send him packing.

Livius had been on the verge of death three years previously. Severus thought that he couldn't stand it if his favourite family member died before he even reached real old age. Severus had been so scared of Livius' death. St Mungo's had intervened spectacularly. It hadn't been cancer but jaundice associated with a failing liver. The Healers had saved him with a number of potions. Now Livius was in his late 50s, Severus was 14, and Severus was brushing dust off his cloak, listening for signs of life. There were none. 

It was very early in the morning. Severus ditched his bag, and took off his cloak. Even though it was the holidays, Severus still wore his school uniform. One could take Severus from Hogwarts, but never take Hogwarts from Severus. That and his Muggle clothing was more tattered than his Slytherin scarf. He wandered outside and stared at the ocean. It seemed to be full of sorrow, heaving its dense sadness onto the shore, and then having to take it back again. Such a sorrowful sight, the studied melancholy that was the tide.

It was a cloudy, grey day and the water appeared greyish green rather than the blue that sometimes matched the sky. A hand touched Severus' shoulder. He started, then grinned uncharacteristically. There was welcome in his voice. “Grandpa Livius!” 

“Are you here for a game of chess?” Livius asked, smiling at his grandson. He never spent time beating around the bush, one of the things Severus loved about him. “Are they fighting?” Livius asked with concern.

“When aren't they? No, I'm not welcome at home at the moment. I knew this day would come. I belted my father hard across the face. He's just lucky I can't use magic outside school. Not around him, anyway. But for now I can't stay. I thought of returning to Hogwarts, but then I thought of you.”

“You are asking for a place to stay? Do you mind the couch?” Livius asked, just to be polite. He knew perfectly well that Severus preferred nearly any couch to his bed at Spinner's End. Severus nodded vigorously. He appeared excited for a moment, but it was taken over by a calculated look of disinterest. It was best to be unreadable. People couldn't anticipate you or see how they affect you. His mother had taught him that. If you don't react when he beats you, he'll get tired of it, she'd said. It worked to some degree, but loathing still leaked through when dealing with his wonderful, engaging, sober as a tea sipper father, he thought sarcastically.

“I'd like the couch. May I stay until term resumes?” Severus asked seriously. He didn't mind returning to the castle. 

“As long as you play no-holds-barred chess with me,” Livius said. Ah, yes, their silent chess games, where talk was welcome as long as it didn't pertain to the game being played, or anything at all chess-related. "Unpack your bag...I have a kitchen cupboard you can use if you get rid of the Boggart in there. Then you can have a nice game of silent chess. I hope you've been playing. I have had to resort to playing Muggle chess with a neighbour. Such a tedious thing, moving the pieces by hand. Oddly satisfying, though. Go on, deal with the Boggart.”

This was scary. He knew what his worst fear was. He was still with Lily, but she already seemed to be drifting, and he wondered if she ever really understood him at all, the way she kept making excuses for him. He knew his fear. Lily and Potter. Together. Then relief coursed through him as he said, “I'm underage. I can't do magic outside school.” There was an irate, exasperated tone in Severus' voice, almost as if Livius had set him up.

“Never mind,” Livius said, “I know what it is for me and I don't want you to witness it.” Livius brought out a chess set. 

“Yet you wish to witness mine? I haven't the remotest idea how to make it less scary. If I turn my enemy into a clown, nothing will have changed.”

They began to play. The pieces moved with gliding precision across the board, each piece being controlled by force of will alone. It wasn't underage magic because no wand was involved. They spoke of things like the dogs Livius had owned and the very memorable Tonkinese cat that had such a loud, yowling meow. Livius was determined to keep the mood light. Ravenclaw as he was, he wasn't aware that all his smart moves were predicted three times ahead by his little subtly sneaky Slytherin grandson. Livius was very intelligent, but he just simply wasn't as intuitive.

“Grandpa Livius?” Severus, his pieces strategically laid out to lead to the last moves.

“Hmm?” Livius asked.

“How can you tell if it's love? Is it something intellectual too, or is it sentiment, or ... how can you tell if you are truly in love?”

“You just know,” his grandfather answered simply. Livius thought for a moment. He looked so much like Severus when he concentrated with his brow furrowed. “How big is the Universe?”

“Infinite,” replied Severus immediately. He was staring at the chessboard, refusing to look Livius in the eye. His shoulder length black hair obscured most of his face.

“How do you know for sure?” Livius asked shrewdly.

“I just know,” Severus said. “And you will say it is the same with love.” He looked a bit cocky, like his enemy, Potter.

“And?” Livius asked, his hair so much like Severus' only with slight grey streaks.

“I love infinitely.” Severus was smiling even as his Grandpa Livius made such advances with the game, even with just four pieces left to Severus'six that the game was lost. Infinity, that was perspective. Livius raised his thin face with the same obsidian eyes as his grandson, as the final move took Severus' King. Two pawns and a king, that was all, and Livius had won.

Severus had won too, and Livius could be allowed to win one time in ten, perhaps. Infinite love, beyond all standards, threw all other notions from his head. She may be a Gryffindor and a Muggle-born but he didn't have to like that in order to love her. She was who she was, Severus was who he was, and there was nothing to stop it.

 

Section V: That M Word 

“...And I was so humiliated, being hoisted up by my own spell. I saw red. Anything to hurt my tormentor. I never meant to call her a Mudblood...it's was a slip-up. I never thought I would hurt her, and now ... now I saw her and Potter- Potter! Snogging.” Severus' voice was tortured, and yet nothing compared to the anguish in his face. He stared at the setting sun. The light played many different tones as they passed over his face. He was watching the sun retreat, welcoming his time of day, the time of the moon and stars. They would be lonely tonight. Grandpa Livius sighed at the boy who had come to stay for a week of the summer.

“You never had a problem with saying “Mudblood” before. You couldn't bring yourself to call Lily that, yet apply it to other Muggle-borns. This is hypocrisy. You had better have learned something. How often did I chide you? Not enough.” Livius loved being didactic.

“Muggle father like Tobias? Being a proud Slytherin like my mother? What the heck else am I supposed to say?” Severus felt rising shame and quickly buried it with his treasure trove of past mistakes, forever to remain unseen. “And it's not easy in the common room either, to be harassed for being friends with a Gryffindor and to cap it all off Muggle-born. For fuck's sake!” Severus growled. He chose his path when Lily left him by the Fat Lady, refusing his apology. "Is that easy? But I did it for her."

She ranted about being wannabe Death Eaters and she'd always chided him for “too much interest in too much dark magic. Dangerous for anyone, but especially for you,” Fifteen years old and he knew. Oh, yes, the force and the wide scope of power and enchantment associated with the Dark Arts. Livius was opening the windows to let the night in and air the place out. While Severus sat brooding, Livius was bringing out the chess set. So silent. No one mention mundane things like the game! One could talk from Death Eaters to Labrador puppies as long as the game wasn't mentioned until the very last move. Severus had beaten Livius several times in a row. Now, Livius hoped, it was his turn.

Severus went to the cupboards and quickly found the cookies Livius hid behind the pots and pans on the left hand side. A hint of gloating, then misery sagged his sallow, large-nosed, thin face. His eyes snaked around at the new books Livius had brought. Anything to not think of Lily. Delicate flower trampled by a rampaging insult. He looked out at the still sorrowful sea, a whoosh of agony that whooshed right back, laden with many sorrows, caught in a wasting passion.

“Biscuit?” Severus asked slyly.

“No, go ahead and eat the whole package. I didn't hide it for any reason,” came Livius' sarcastic reply. They sat down and began to play. They both were excellent strategists, and Severus usually won on inspiration, but today he was lacking in it. He didn't want to play if he couldn't win. Well, perhaps if Grandpa Livius gave him some kind of moral to the strategies of life that made sense. He did look at his Grandpa and wink; he loved it when Livius was sarcastic, as if exposed to Severus for too long.

Half an hour later, the pawns were mostly decimated and there were no bishops whatsoever, on either side of the chessboard. They had been talking names. Names they would call their pets. Severus said if he got a whippet he would name it Livius. He didn't want children. Then again, if Lily ever came to her Gryffindor senses...

“Grandpa Livius,” Severus began, whisking his long greasy hair out of his face and sticking it behind his ear, “Do you remember about love and eternity? I have to suffer eternally ... for one bad call. Okay, it was a symptom but not of a disease,” Severus' mouth became dry. His knight took out Livius' rook. He had never discussed the Dark Arts with Livius outside of theory, and always with Livius' disapproval.

“She said we were all aiming to be Death Eaters.” Severus felt as if he had feathers in his throat. Why be ashamed? He knew Livius just wouldn't understand, because he would be all too understanding.

“Well, is it true?”

“If it weren't for hypocrites like Potter, I wouldn't bother.” Severus tried to convince himself of this, but failed. “In other words, yes.” Severus added. Livius gave Severus a sharp look. “I've been expecting this conversation for some time. You know, thanks to my tutoring, Occlumency and Legilimency. With them... you can ... snake ... your way out of any situation. I believe you are very good, loyal and brave at heart. No,” Livius added, seeing the disgust on Severus' face, “I don't mean you should be in Gryffindor.”

“Lily taught me a lot of things. I refused to learn most of them. I thought she was making excuses, She was trying to make a better person of me.” Severus brow furrowed for a moment. “No. She was making excuses. The reasons why she still liked me. I failed the test. I didn't meet her expectations.”

The chessboard was nearly empty. Severus' chess look-ahead was getting sloppy. Suddenly Livius had him in check. Livius had constructed a clever trap. He had two queens, a king, a knight and one pawn, Severus had a rook, a queen and king, and no pawns. Furiously, Severus tried to reverse his fortunes. After a full five minutes of strategic effort on both sides, Livius cried “Checkmate!”

“You took advantage of my emotional state.” It was a blunt statement from Severus.

“You always take advantage of such situations, with everyone, do you deny it?” The sharp questions were back.

“It looks a lot different from this side of the chessboard. But I'm not going to change who I am for such simplistic reasons.”

“Maybe Lily would appreciate it if you did?” Livius asked, and Severus looked like he was being mauled by a bear. He shook, quite violently. He could be very lively when forced into it. Then as suddenly as it started, it was over.

“I don't know why I love her. It's everything about her, even her silly Gryffindor scarf. I love her because my friends hate her. I love her because she was a witch near Spinner's End. I love her hair, her features. I have to be in Potions and Transfiguration with her. Salazar help me...” Severus Snape was doing precisely what he hated. Bumbling. He thought he would give the Dark Arts priority over Lily, because she'd ditched him. 

Livius looked frustrated. Couldn't Severus choose his beliefs more carefully? He muttered unheard words of comfort.

Yes, yes, later life showed just how presumptuous a lie a teenage belief can be. It was always all for Lily. Eternally, everything for and about Lily.

 

Section VI: The Runaway

A last escape. Severus had done what he wished. He had run away from home. No more of his father Tobias and his razor strap and his rum. No more of Mum being such a prejudiced hypocrite. No more of her refusal to use magic to intervene. He would be going to Mulciber's in Leeds. That is, if he couldn't convince Grandpa Livius to allow him to stay at his rather cramped cottage. He was a widower with Eileen his only child. Livius Prince was a Ravenclaw, yet so admired by Severus. 

He had spoken to Grandpa Livius in the fireplace just before coming. The only warning he gave was “it is imperative that I come at once.” Livius had nodded soberly. He had expected this for over a year. When Severus said it is imperative to come immediately, he knew what to expect. Was Eileen all right? No use worrying her. She thought divorce was worse than being battered, and wouldn't listen to reason.

Ten minutes later, a skinny, black-haired 16-year-old boy stood coughing, wiping the soot from his face and robes. He brooded with dark eyes as he stood before Livius. One of Livius' best characteristics was that he cut to the chase. He was quick, but sometimes spoke before he thought. He blamed his rapid Ravenclaw mind. “Severus!” came the warm voice of Livius Prince. “Take off your bag and put your trunk in the corner. We'll have a tight squeeze but we'll manage. Do you have a backup? I can't keep you here indefinitely. There are only so many chess matches that one can lose before becoming irate.” Livius beamed at his grandson, welcoming him as he was, no reservations about whether Severus was beginning to obsess over practical Dark Arts or not.

Theory, it had started with theory, the idea for it's own sake in Livius mind, but it had a power all it's own, and if a person wasn't vigilant, it could take one over. Livius inwardly cursed himself for his and Eileen's encouragement of Severus' Dark Arts studies.

“Can we skip chess today?” Severus asked. “I have no interest.”

“You should be interested, Severus, you should be. I will not dictate to you or feel pity for you. But I do think I can lead you to a few of your very own epiphanies.”

“You think so.” Severus sounded downright sarcastic and despairing all at once. He was having trouble with inscrutability. He had just escaped the worst fight in memory. His back and legs were peppered with thick welts. He had healed his own nose with Episkey and he hated to think of what Mum looked like. Maybe it wasn't his concern any more. He would never, never return to Spinner's End. Well, maybe when no one was home. He would steal all the books.

Livius observed the youngest member of the family. He would soon reach manhood. He needed a few lessons in civility and social graces, yes, but far more he needed wariness as to what he could become. The thing was, Severus had a mild sadistic streak, and far too much interest in ... extracurricular activities. He'd had an owl sent home from Hogwarts about using Dark magic on fellow student, mainly bullies who used their own. Livius closed his eyes, his pale skin contrasting with his dark, slightly grey shoulder length hair. Severus had inherited his nose. He had not inherited his common sense. He had, he had, but he didn't apply it to himself. He had such exacting standards for all. No wonder he felt short of the mark.

Livius had brought out the chess set and Severus stopped unpacking his trunk and bag. He sat down opposite Livius, and both sat with their feet underneath them, with exactly the same body language as each other. The chess pieces were not to be touched or told what to do. They were to be moved with willpower and magic of the type that doesn't require a wand, just concentration.

Severus was playing white, His pawn glided forward two paces. First moves are important. They effect the whole game, Severus thought. Lily proved that. “That's not a very nice thing to call someone,” she'd said, sniffing, when Severus told her she was a witch. It had all gone wrong. He'd had a plan, scuttled by his own impatience and impudence. He unlearned those traits. He hoped he had.

Livius spoke now and then, speaking the reflections he'd had just then, about being sorry for getting his grandson interested in Dark Arts theory. About Severus having too high a standard and it being a slightly twisted, overly exacting standard at that. About common sense. About keeping a place in your heart for those who spurn you, but being able to move on.

Severus had an answer for everything. He was still at this age a know-it-all. He sounded darker with every observation. Livius realized what Severus reminded him of.

“Do you know, you really were born to be a Hippogriff. Easy to insult. Sharp talons. Glaring eyes. Proud. Able to take flight who knows where.” Livius scrutinized his grandson fully for the first time. He didn't normally take in appearances. He was, yet again, in his Hogwarts uniform, without the cloak yet even in mid-summer with a scarf. Livius shook his head. “I am going to take you into Leeds tomorrow and buy you some Muggle clothing. I have to go there to visit a friend.”

Severus scowled as Livius took his knight, but then turned around and nicked Livius' queen side castle. “I don't want to,” he said, knowing he sounded like an ingrate. He quickly added, “But seeing as you are just rolling in money I must accept.” The sarcasm was probably noticeable even to the birds outside. Livius thought, “Why can't 'thank you' suffice?” but needed to concentrate and kept his mouth shut.

“Do you know a lot about the Death Eaters?” Livius asked as if casually interested. “or the Dark Lord?”

“I know most of what there is to know. Two more years, I'll join.” Severus sat up straight and cocked an eyebrow. “Are you going to ditch me for it? I can stay at Mulciber's.”

“Who's Mulciber when he's at home?” Livius asked warily. Nevertheless he let his rook dance to take one of Severus' pawns. Severus couldn't help liking the dancing rook. He smiled. “He's in my year. Shares my dormitory. Parents are both Death Eaters.”

“I can't understand the way your mind works. I still don't know why you think some things are admirable that most people cringe at.” Livius sounded very tired.

“They're weak, or so into common morality that they are blind to the purpose of power.” Severus shrugged his narrow shoulders. Livius suddenly smiled. “You're such an introspective geek, are you sure the Dark Lord would have you?” he asked. Even Severus missed the sarcasm, taking his grandfather's words seriously.

“I would be invaluable. And he could teach me magic I could learn nowhere else.” Severus looked at the chessboard and sighed. “You can't see three paces ahead of your own morals the way I can see..oh, I almost spoiled the game. Forgive me.”

“I couldn't hear what you said because I heard nothing but blaring Muggle elevator Muzak.” So they played in silence for seven minutes, and, Severus was aware, about thirty seconds. Severus was in a strange mood. He didn't feel the victor. “Checkmate,” he said tonelessly.

“You didn't want to win? I won last time.”

“It's very hard to make good advice a matter of strategy and winning. No one ever wins. It's illusory, just as morals are illusory. Just as everything is illusory. Except the only honest man I know.”

Livius grinned widely. “Are you going to take my advice?”

“Of course not. But it will remain with me,” Severus said snidely, He realized what he was doing. “Sorry,” he muttered to the ground. What did people expect of him? Nothing or perfection, it seemed. “I can't be who you want me to be. But I can be true to myself. If you want me to go...”

“I think you would prefer me to a Death Eater wannabe, if you are honest.” Livius looked at Severus' stricken eyes.

“Yes. I prefer you. I prefer your cramped couch to a down feather bed at Mulciber's. I just complimented you. It doesn't happen often with anyone else. You are an enigma that makes me equally enigmatic. I love that.” Severus looked at his grandfather. Livius was smiling. Severus knew now he was cared for who he was, not some ideal. He breathed properly for the first time in months. He felt....could it be...happy.


	3. Sections Seven Through Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meaningful darkness...seeing through the cracks. Darkness beings to really set in.

Section VII: The New Year

It was New Year's Eve. He thought of watching Lily's TV, the celebrations in different countries. Severus was not at a party, and did not wish to attend a party, but he had been asked by his grandfather Livius to celebrate with him rather than run off with his friends. Severus snorted thinking of it. Next to Lily, Livius was one of the few people who had a particularly special place in his heart. In fact, Livius and Lily were the only two.

Since the end of term, Severus had stayed at Livius'. It was that or return to Hogwarts. All of Potter and Black's gang were staying. Severus would rather be buried under a tide of molten lava than return to Hogwarts while those four had the run of the corridors, or more than usual. He was a target, but he couldn't just hide in the dungeon. As Madam Pomfrey kept chiding him, “So you want to be cool? Just be ready for the consequences.”

Grandpa was off in Westminster, visiting a friend. He should have been home by now. He said he'd Apparate home by ten pm. Severus was rarely bored, because his mind was always one step ahead of him. He used his time well, even if he could sometimes be late for an exam because his mind was full of other, more important things.

Severus heard a cough from outside, and heard the gravel moving under someone's feet and leading to the doorway. He stuck his nonchalant face in place. Livius opened the door, and walked in with something under his arm. “Butterbeer,” he explained slyly as Severus gave him a quizzical look. “Since your parents wouldn't give you Hogsmeade privileges I decided to bring a little New Year gift." He held out a shoebox. Severus took it gingerly. Opening it, he saw a pure white kitten, an albino to judge by its pinky-grey eyes.

Why did he always have to have feathers in the throat? And could he trust other students not to be cruel to it? It was cute. Livius said, “It's a prize. If I win, I get to keep him. Chess of course. 'Silent' chess." Severus considered, then said in a voice sagging with irony, “Are you sure the cat won't object? It could be allergic to Slytherins.” He wanted the kitten, but he wasn't going to let on too much. If he lost... Severus wanted the love of his grandfather in getting the kitten, and he wanted the love of the kitten, too. That which is denied and seems unattainable is always the first rule to be broken, Severus knew. But sometimes it got cut short.

Livius sat down and indicated to Severus to do the same. “Are we going to play poker for a dog next?” came a mild sneer that Livius overlooked. If he took personally all the times his grandson had used his viper's tongue he would have a very large grudge indeed. As it was, he smiled. Livius himself could be Master of Snark when the occasion was too enticing to avoid it. Livius wondered if, like so much else in human behaviour, it was inherited.

The thing about 'silent' chess matches was that they weren't silent at all. As long as the game was being played, they could mention nothing to do with chess. They were free to control the pieces with the power of the mind, the will to make the pieces move without ordering them to or using a wand. No underage magic. Livius played white. One pawn, one space. So, Severus thought, Grandpa Livius was trying to make him think up oh-so-shrewd strategies already. 

“Can you think of a name for the kitten?” One eyebrow raised, Livius looked slantwise at his grandson, the one who needed something to love, to perhaps let go of bitterness.

“It's white. I thought maybe Lucius, after my old prefect. He had that whitish hair.” Severus considered. “No, not him. Too arrogant. Perhaps I should call it Prince. That is, should I win this cat. I warn you, I will leave no amount of cunning uncalculated to beat you and get your cat.”

Soon the pawns were spread far and wide, with many others missing. Livius had brought out a bishop and a knight with devastating consequences. Not quite as bad as the nuclear bomb Severus dropped that took care of Livius' queen, both rooks, a knight and two pawns within five minutes. Livius' heart was racing. It seemed Severus really liked the kitten. “Prince is a good name. I should know.” Livius put on a mock snotty drawl. Severus looked up and said, “You sound like the Lucius I just mentioned.”

Livius thought it best not to ask whether this Lucius character was a Death Eater. Sorrow dragged heavily at his heart. It felt like it was going to drop into his intestines. How could he make Severus see? He seemed so convinced that he was acting for the right. And Severus was right- he would make an invaluable Death Eater, brains like his. Yes, brains like his and he wasn't in Ravenclaw. Then Livius reminded himself that he had only been in Ravenclaw because he wanted to be in a different house than his Slytherin sister.

“Dumbledore says it is our choices far more than our abilities that show us who we really are, I agree.” It was as if Severus had read Livius' mind. But then the conversation turned back to himself. “Having said that, I'm still glad I chose Slytherin.”

“As am I happy to have been a Ravenclaw. Though how many nights was I stuck outside the eagle doorknocker, answering circular questions to let me in the common room? At least you only need a password.”

Severus' grin was grim. A black bishop was wrestled to the ground by Livius' own bishop. Livius was doing a great job of making his pieces trash Severus' pieces. Ah, but it worked in reverse too, Severus thought. 

“Do you trust me to tell me what it is? The password?” Livius inquired, expecting an unequivocal 'no'. 

“I...yes. It's 'genealogy.' At the moment. It will have changed by now. And I'm sick of family trees. We're all interwoven. I don't like to think of who I'm related to. On your side it's fine. But I wish I could take my father's blood and do a great lot of blood-letting. It's horrific to think I'm part of him.” Severus looked seriously up over his brows, his head tilted down at the chessboard.

“Have you reconsidered your willingness to work for the Dark Lord?” Livius was deadly serious now.

“I have told you perhaps once, perhaps thrice, perhaps ten thousand six hundred and thirty-one times that I am not going to change my mind. Every day is exactly the same.” Severus' voice was barely louder than a whisper.

“You'll be in over your head. You're practising your drowning even now. But I'll leave you be, and take you as you are. You are my one and only grandchild. How can I not love and forgive?” Livius said equally softly.

“There's nothing to be forgiven. Just because my path is different does not mean it is morally reprehensible. That's more like Mum always referring to Lily as “the Mudblood.” The love bit I can deal with.” Severus was blotchy and purple in the face and was staring intently at the chessboard again. “And I don't call anyone Mudblood any more. Sometimes I feel like it. I wish I was like you.”

“You like my walk and talk? As long as you walk and talk your own path, you are following me. Walk the path of Dark Magic, you will lose all innocence along the way. I may be nearly sixty, but I have innocence. That is why I am so shocked at the way you think.”

“How do I find that path?” Severus was deadly earnest. “I want to be a Healer. I'm good at Potions and Transfiguration and DA-”

“Dark Arts,” finished Livius, a snarl entering his tone. Then his voice returned to normal. “That's a great idea. How did you do in your O.W.L.s?”

“Fine. Eight Os and two Es.” Severus sat straight again. “Ten O.W.L.s” He raised his eyebrow in a perfect imitation of Livius, but he had been doing that for years. Livius was very happy about the marks. Severus could do anything he wanted. He wasn't restricted by low grades, on the contrary, he would be sought out. But then...what he wanted made of him a broken beast of burden. No Death Eater makes it through this life without scars, Livius reflected.

“Be a Healer, that's your path, forge ahead.” Livius encouraged.

“How many times must I repeat myself like a bad Muggle television series?” There was mild irreverent humour in Severus' voice, along with the exasperated tone. “I want to prove myself. I want to be a master of the Dark Arts. There's nothing wrong with it except other people's irrational fear of that power!”

“There we have it again. What some find twisted, you find glorious. Oh, I'm not giving up on you. I care too much for that. But house rules say that you will never allow other Death Eaters in my home. That would be a violation of trust.”

“I wouldn't have. I...I...respect you too much for that. I'm surprised you will have anything to do with me. Opposite ends of the spectrum.” Severus smoothed back his black hair, then let it fall limply to one side.

“Love is blind, Severus. Love is blind. You proved it with your perfect little flower.” Livius looked into Severus' intense eyes. “The kitten is getting out of the box.” Livius tried to lighten the tone and it worked, for there was silence for six minutes as the furious chess pieces showed no mercy. “Checkmate.” Severus' face was ecstatic. “I get to keep Prince.” Severus picked up the white kitten. “Property of the Half Blood Prince.”

 

Section VIII: Tracked

Severus had goose-flesh though it was a warm summer pre-dawn. He didn't know how much more he could take. Mulciber had tracked him to Grandpa Livius' cottage. He was following him. He didn't know how to shake him off. He wanted to invite him in but that would go against the ground rule Livius had set last Christmas break. He stroked the 6 month old kitten in his lap. He already had the angst of any sixteen-year-old, he didn't need a watchful brand-new Death Eater observing his movements. If he didn't cooperate then perhaps they would target Livius.

He picked up the cat, Prince, and set him gently on the ground. He would have to confront him, Grandpa Livius was asleep at the moment, and he'd try to ditch Mulciber. It was five-thirty in the morning. Why was he here?

Severus stalked to the door and as he opened it he drew his wand. “Psst..Mulciber,” he hissed into the semi-darkness. A slight greenish tinge on the horizon showed that dawn was not too far away. Mulciber was easy to spot, and his hulking outline would be intimidating if he didn't know that he carried poetry with him wherever he went, and wrote some, too. Mind you, he would be scary if Severus didn't seem to know every counter-curse known to wizardkind. Mulciber could be scary that way.  
Mulciber shuffled up to him. “You're going to ask me what I'm doing here.”

“No, I was going to ask you if the faeries are dancing in the trees.” came Severus' sagging reply. “Unless it's urgent I suggest you leave. You have no business here. We can talk at school.”

“The Dark Lord wants to see you,” growled Mulciber, his own wand drawn. “I suggest you listen to me. Tonight. Lucius will take you there by side-along Apparition. Keep an eye out. It's an interview. He knows who will be worthy among our year.”

“Lucius isn't setting foot in my grandfather's house. Tell him I'll meet him at Deception Point. Ironic, that name. You know, near the inlet.” Severus had an even deeper scowl than usual. His insides were being strummed like an out of tune guitar. The jangling notes inside were anticipatory, yet fearful.

“I will inform him. Be there at seven tonight.” Mulciber answered, and strode a short distance away. Then he Disapparated. Lucky bugger is seventeen, Severus thought. He decided not to tell Livius where he was going, but he did feel like a good game of silent chess, nonetheless.

The pieces would move soundlessly. They moved by force of will, not magic. The pieces could not be told where to go, because any mention of chess was verboten. Do not talk about chess, or it's instant stalemate. Severus moved back into the warm cottage, and stoked the fire. He'd hardly slept at all last night. Nightmares. His dreams were rarely fun, but this one...the images of Dark Magic used against those he loved. Would Lily ever be targeted? Would Livius? But certainly he'd be allowed to intervene. The image of the Cruciatus Curse being used on Livius made Severus wake up drenched with sweat. What was he doing? Why play this dangerous game?

He knew his path. He was kidding himself to think no one would ever he harmed. Just as long as it wasn't Lily or Livius. Or even Prince the kitten. They could take his father. They could take him all the way. He smiled, then shivered at his own callousness. He sat on the couch, his shoulders hunched, and thought that the ever-present tide outside moved on without caring, since before he was born and long after he died. He was so preoccupied, he didn't know Livius was awake until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Still haven't really slept?” Livius asked sympathetically. “Who was here? I heard voices outside,”

“Mulciber,” Severus answered. “He just needed information.” He looked at Livius' dark eyes and tried to look innocent but somehow, he never, ever did look innocent. Not even when he was four years old. “I didn't let him in. It was nothing, he just wanted....nothing, really.” Severus picked up his kitten, and tiny Prince squirmed out of his hands. He thought that everyone he knew would go away in the end. Lily had. Livius would ditch him, more than likely. Maybe a kitten who didn't seem to like him would be his only companion. And Prince would die, his furry comfort gone.

“You're looking sombre,” Livius observed. “even for you. And that's saying something.”

“Perhaps after breakfast, we should play chess. Chess of the silent variety.” Severus was suddenly scared. The full impact of his decision to meet Lucius at Deception Point was hitting him. Nauseating him. Exciting him. Bending his emotions this way and that. He felt wildly conflicted. He was also scared about what he might reveal to Livius – and himself.

At eight o'clock, the dishes from breakfast dried and put away, the garbage taken out, the Princely kitten fed, the two turned their eyes to the chessboard that now had a permanent position in the sitting room. Livius snapped off WWN on the radio, because it had been threatening the young eardrum-splitter, Celestina Warbeck. They needed silence in any case, so that they could really hear each other, and be able to use two different kinds of concentration. One, on the game. The other, on each other. 

Livius played black, so Severus had the first move. Smoothly a pawn moved forward two spaces. Livius mirrored his move. Severus let loose another pawn. Soon he would let out his knight. He looked over at Livius, whose hair was in most of his face, who scratched his prominent nose. Livius sensed Severus looking at him. “Yeeesss?” he said. “The reason for this match is?”

“The usual, I think I'll be a Healer, and use...”

“That's great news.” Livius interrupted, staring at his grandson. “Why the quick turn-about? Not that I'm not pleased. You were so adamant about being a Death Eater.”

“Listen to my full sentence for once before interrupting with pointless, errant nonsense. As a means of supporting myself, as a cover, as a training ground. Plus I think I'd enjoy that job. I'll still be a Death Eater. In fact, I may not even have to wait until I'm seventeen.” Severus gave his characteristic look-over-my-eyebrows look, his head tilted downward, the hooked nose he'd been cursed with by genetics looking very large in comparison with his other features on that angle.

“Can't decide, so you're going for both?” Livius asked shrewdly. There was disappointment in his voice, and Severus was grateful that Livius didn't try to stuff all of his emotions into a hidden hole in his heart, like Severus did. One day Severus' dam would burst with overflowing anguish, but not today.

“You know I've considered Healing for over a year. I don't want to be stuck without a profession should something happen to the Dark Lord.” Severus pronounced every word with deliberate care.

“Who scares you more than he scares me, because I have distance from him.” Livius cocked his left brow, and just to lighten the atmosphere, wiggled his ears. It seemed demeaning to Severus, who took it as a sign that his grandfather was not taking him seriously.

“Listen. I don't like that if I fail the Dark Lord he may come after you. But it's a chance I've got to take. We're speaking of Destiny here.” He spoke 'Destiny' with a capital D, with as much eloquence as can be put into one word. “It's a risk. There are always risks when one takes one's place where the Fates deem prudent to put you.” His bishop at work, he took out Livius' queen.

Livius closed his eyes. “You really want me to reject you, don't you? Another grudge to add to your growing list, a reason not to care.”

Severus looked shocked, Not the fact that his offending bishop had just been demolished by Livius' rook, but at the fact that his grandfather saw all too well. Better than he could see. Which is precisely why he loved and loathed to play silent chess.

Severus picked through a few words before answering. “I understand why you think that. It has elements of truth in it. But I care. Perhaps sometimes too much. You yourself once said that I was good at heart, brave, and loyal. And I misread you. Then you said you didn't mean I should be a Gryffindor. Well, I took those traits and made them Slytherin traits. What else could they be, being who I am? They still apply. I do care. I just care more about some things than others. I hold grudges, yes, but I never forget the good things, even when they are gone. For instance...” Severus' voice suddenly became anguished, “take Lily.”

“You wish you didn't care about Lily Evans. Then you wouldn't have so many nightmares.” Livius, who smiled so regularly, hadn't smiled for some time. And he couldn't smile now.

“It's a nightmare, the path the Fates have chosen for me. But it's an eloquent nightmare.” Severus shrugged his bony shoulders. “I prefer meaningful darkness to meaningless light.”

“Since when is light meaningless? You have your priorities backwards.” Livius shook his greying head and said very seriously, “It's because of the fact no one stood up for you when you were a kid. The grudge against Tobias – your father. That no one seemed to care, and only darkness had meaning and depth. I have to tell you, that is far from the truth.”

“It's my truth!” Severus spat. “Don't tell me about my childhood, all right? When I chose to run away and live here, that was a choice to grasp the light. But light, it seems, trickles between my fingers like flying dust and passing smoke!” He was really angry now. He seemed nearly demented. “Mulciber came to have Malfoy take me to the Dark Lord. Tonight! By the time I return home. I may well be branded with the Dark Mark! You want truth? That's truth. That darkness always, always wins. Dark Magic is magic that has no other application than as a Dark Art. These Arts embraced my heart before I was even old enough to understand what that could mean. The library at home. My path chose me, not the other way around.”

“That's quite a speech and you know it is false.” Livius knew it had to be false. Or was it?

Severus stood up, nearly knocking over the chessboard. “No, it is the first truth I have spoken in weeks. Perhaps it is the greatest truth I have ever spoken.” Severus looked on the point of angry tears, but he stopped, sat down, mastered his breathing, and felt he would have to pay for his emotion. There was silence so still you could hear the plants grow. The two concentrated on their chess match. It was a tight race, full of tension. Then Severus' king was in check. Severus closed his eyes and wished for another ending. Or better yet, another beginning. 

“Checkmate,” came Livius' voice, soft and conciliatory. “Whatever you do, whatever you decide, my heart is with you. Perhaps you didn't choose the path...but perhaps you can grasp a better truth and veer off it. No matter what, I love you.”

Severus felt feathers in his throat. He kept having that stifled feeling. He hated it. “I love you, too,” he said in a constricted voice.

“I know.” Livius' eyes shone with suppressed tears. The chessboard was cleared for the next match.

 

Section IX: I Tell No One Else

“Grandpa Livius,” Severus panted at the front door. “I really, really need a match.” Even his thin frame in its overly worn Muggle attire looked strangely triumphant, yet somehow so strikingly sad at the same time. Livius thought he could guess what had happened. “Silent chess, our chess.” Severus spoke of it with reverence. Something strange was afoot, but Livius played along. “In which pieces are moved by force of will, and anything can be said that does not pertain to chess.” Livius' left eyebrow angled upward. “Can't we just talk?” 

“I don't 'just talk'. I need chess. Silent chess. I will tell you what happened from the moment I met Lucius at Deception Point. Interrupt all you wish, if you don't mind venom in the answer. Though I may just say, interrupt and I will answer. Intuition tells me I know most of your comments without having heard them yet.” Severus squinted at Livius' studied, blank expression and knew he was using Occlumency. “Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."

Severus went to the bathroom and stared at his reflection. He looked strained, clammy, sallow and stringy. Just what he needed. Then again, the black eyes so like fathomless tunnels did not make for an unassuming manner. His body language was somewhere between arrogant and victimized. If he died and could choose to come back as anyone, though, he'd come back as himself. He grimaced at his reflection and left the bathroom. He sat down opposite Livius in the small sitting room.

The board wasn't open. The pieces were in their cloth bags. Severus, irate, set it up himself.

“I don't feel like playing until you show me the inside of your left arm,” Livius said with a touch of sorrow.

“No such luck. I'll show you when we play. Just after a few moves, I'll explain everything. Everything that I tell no one else.” Severus grimaced. “If you don't recognize that as a compliment then you didn't deserve gold stars in Primary school.”

Reluctantly, trepidation in his heart, Livius set up the chessboard. Severus played black, so one of Livius' pawns made a tentative glide two spaces forward. Severus' brow furrowed. His eyes looked like gleaming coals in the light of the sitting room. Pawns were decimating each other.“To recap. I met Mulciber. He said Lucius would take me to the Dark Lord, my hope in higher magic, my great flame to which I play the moth. Yes,” Severus nodded his head. “I know where it leads. But...”

Severus ripped back his left sleeve. No Dark Mark. At the moment Severus' knight bashed Livius' bishop over the head, and dragged it, unconscious, off the board. Livius stared. The kid had concentration. To be able to think multiple thoughts, to move and guide chess pieces all at once was more than even Livius as a Ravenclaw could claim.

“See? It was an interview. An exacting interview. And I met ... him ... face to face. He seems barely a man, he emanates such power. He said he would welcome me gladly when I turn seventeen. I argued with him. I wanted to join now. But then I backed down. He has me running scared.” Severus watched his offending knight get clobbered by Livius' queen. The game was moving too quickly.

“Running scared. Does that mean you are reconsidering?” Livius didn't want to get his hopes up.

“I am using the time until I'm branded to make my final decision. I did offer to spy for him, among the students at Hogwarts and most importantly what I overhear the teachers say.” Severus snorted. “Pathetic work but useful. I like being useful. Dumbledore,” Severus sneered, “Great mind, for sure. At the opening feast in second year he said four words of welcome. 'Twitch. Recluse. Redwood. Oxymoron.' How well I remember.”

“Dumbledore does that. He did it in my time. Just one year. Something about sunshine and butter tarts. He does have a great mind. He is eccentric, but very clever and a better man than your Dark Lord could ever be.” He held out his hand to stop Severus' argument. “We must agree to disagree.”

“I know Dumbledore is a powerful, talented, dangerous wizard. I do respect him. He is a great wizard indeed. Idiots like Lucius tried to outwit him at Hogwarts and always failed.”

Livius smiled, really smiled. “I am glad you aren't putting yourself in that category,” he said. Severus looked at his grandfather seriously, and said, “I'll show you what trust means. I'll drop the Occlumency and allow you to use Legilimency for whatever you wish to find...or are afraid to find.”

Livius stared. No human being had ever shown him such love and trust. Sure, the kid had a dark streak a mile wide, was overly sarcastic for any occasion, and perhaps had some sadistic tendencies. He saw the white kitten asleep in Severus' lap. “Put Prince down. If you get too agitated it will upset him.” It was a command, not a request. Severus obeyed immediately.

Fear mounted in him, but he had been planning it ever since Mulciber had shown up that early pre-dawn. He let his defences down. It was freeing, liberating, but Livius was the only person he could do it with. Maybe if Lily ditched James. He let his mind go blank as it did when he meditated. The chattering monkeys grew silent after no small effort.

“Legilimens!” Livius cried. Image after image came in a torrent. A nine year old Severus in his smock and jacket. A secret fourth year kiss after Transfiguration, never tell, from Lily. It echoed on his lips. Severus skipping rocks on the lake by Spinner's End with Tobias, who tired of the game and chucked him in the rapid, deep river instead. The welts and the fear for his mother's life, which flashed before his eyes rather than his own predicament. A room in semi-darkness. Here they were.

Severus was doubled over yet did not stop staring at the Dark Lord. “You could join now. If you are of a certain calibre.” The Dark Lord's voice was icy, and his already red-tinged eyes had slits for pupils. How someone could be so frightening, disgusting, compelling and able to draw him in, Severus didn't know. The Dark Lord's small snake twisted around his neck and shoulders. He heard that the Dark Lord always had a snake for company Severus thought with awe that the Dark Lord was a Parselmouth. Perhaps he was related distantly to Salazar.

Thinking again about the gravity of the situation, Severus steeled himself. Severus was tense and intense. This was a different intensity altogether. How long could be put it off? It could be a life and death situation.

“I need time to think about it. I am sorry to waste your time, but I shall be a useful and devoted supporter.” He avoided using the word 'servant.' His Occlumency was on full blast, he had even provided false images and emotions, cunning as he was.

Severus nearly fell over as Livius exited his mind. Severus righted himself, scowled like he always did in the mirror, and said, “I hope you're happy. One does not say “yes”, then “no”, then “yes” again in the presence of the Dark Lord. He does not appear to like fence-sitters. I don't know how much longer I can put it off. I don't want to. I long for the hidden knowledge and power.”

They had both entirely forgotten that they should be directing chess pieces. “My rook took your rook,” Severus sang to himself, inaudibly, with scorn. His glittering eyes looked happier than they'd been for the past week. His eyes glittered all the more when Livius' brave pawn was able to take out Severus' bishop. A little competition never hurt.

“Severus?” Livius asked. “Why did you have to choose Slytherin?”

“It chose me, I just agreed. When I mentioned another house, Ravenclaw, the Hat said 'surely you must be joking.' But I would have chosen Slytherin anyway. Where others see darkness, sarcasm, malice, the sly, where others see shrewd cunning, I see the night sky. Determined, ingenious, drive, with will, resourceful, clever, Slytherin.”

“You're a poet,” Livius observed.

“That's Mulciber's job. You would have gone to Slytherin if your sister wasn't in it,” Severus had a snarky smile and Livius laughed at his grandson's ever present gravity. Severus plodded onward. “I am going to join. Providence says so. But I will do it as I choose or at least with the illusion of choice, which to me is nearly as comforting.” Severus halted. “Did you hear him speak of you?”

Livius mouth went dry. He licked his lips. His dark eyes were full of nervous energy. “I missed it. I am afraid to ask.” He went to the kitchen and poured them each a glass of water from the silver-hued pitcher on the kitchen counter. The place was well-kept. He realized he was thinking distractions. “Yes?” he asked Severus.

Severus smiled a genuine smile. “You are not to be recruited or have the Killing Curse used on you. I told them you would not help or hinder.” Severus sat straighter, and waited for Livius to make the next move on the chessboard. A pawn had reached the Severus' end. It was now a queen. Severus swiftly obliterated it with a rook. 

“Oh, Severus, perhaps not in personal life with you, I am very opposed to Voldemort.” Livius sighed. “I would die to keep you from becoming one of his ilk.”

“I showed you, I put it off. The Dark Lord does not wish people to speak his name.” Severus let out a low growl.

“Which suits his air of mystery and power all the more. Voldemort's a shrewd operator.” Livius put his fingers together, interlocked. This reminded Severus of Dumbledore and he felt like snacking them apart.

“Of course he is, he's a Slytherin, albeit a very, very atypical one. An atypical person, if one can call him a person.” Severus shook his head as if to show off his greasy locks. 

“You doubt he's quite human? I simply don't see the draw, I don't understand this pull he has on you at all.” Livius sighed and leaned forward to examine the chessboard in larger detail.

“I know when to be irreverent. Tonight was one such night. Even in the Dark Lord's presence I backed out – for now.”

“You are stronger than you think, and braver that you believe.”

“No. More so.” The irony was evident in Severus' precise voice. “Checkmate. I won.”

“Shall we go to bed?” Livius asked

“And here I thought the bed was going to us.” Severus reply came.

Livius grinned. “In the same way the Dark Arts chose you, not the other way around.”

Severus went to his bag and pulled on his nightclothes, and loathed and loved Livius' sarcasm. He got into bed. Soon all the lights were out. Then one flicked on nearby.

“I'm proud that you stood up to Vol, sorry, the Dark Lord. He must value you, or you'd be dead.”

“I'd be even more dead if I didn't use your Occlumency.” Severus sat up in bed. Livius patted him on the shoulder, smiled tightly, and went to the bedroom. The kitten Prince curled up on the couch, on top of Severus' legs. The lights were turned off. In this meaningful darkness, he was beginning to see that cracks, the light that filtered in, which could only illuminate the darkness all the more.


	4. Sections Ten Through Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You try living out my life!

Section X: The Skull And The Serpent

Severus decided to spend the Christmas just before he turned eighteen at Grandpa Livius'. He thought he could see Grandpa Livius' disappointed face if he knew how far things had progressed, yet he never needed his grandfather more. He had made a detour on the way home, all thanks to the cold, enigmatic entity of Lucius Malfoy, who could be a charmer when he wanted to be. Since joining the Death Eaters, which he thought must bring him a lot of respect, he had been treated like a rat in the compost heap. The Dark Mark was a brand of humiliation, yes- but a proud humiliation.

Rucksack on, snow in his hair and on his nose and eyelashes, laying thickly on his hunched shoulders. Severus fumbled for his wand to use Alohamora now that he was near the cottage. Then he realized he'd better knock and not frighten the wits out of Livius. He already had doubts about what he had done on his way home, but being a Death Eater meant unquestioning obedience or death. A hopeless kind of sarcastic despair crossed his face as it crossed his mind. Anxiety, the cruel beast, had it's claws buried deep in his heart. He was getting very, very good at not expressing outward emotion. If he was being ripped apart inside it was his business. However, he could hide from the Dark Lord more easily than from Livius. He knocked twice. The porch light came on.

“Severus!” Livius said warmly. “Come in.” He stood back to let his snow- and wind-swept grandson into the small cottage. It was cold in the cottage despite the fire. That's what you get for living by the seaside in Northern England, Severus thought, then hugged his grandfather, something which hadn't happened since he was a little kid. He tried to tell his story through the hug, but gave up quickly. They parted. Livius looked at him critically. “You feel almost hollow when I hug you. You're way too thin. You've been neglecting yourself.”

“You try living out my life,” Severus said defensively. 

“No, thank you,” Livius said. “And walk around with my nose in a book, suspicious of everyone and trusting no one?”

“I trust you, and there's nothing wrong with reading.” More defensiveness on the part of Severus.

“That depends on your reading material.” Livius had a snarky grin on his face.

“Did I come here to be criticized?” Severus sounded thoroughly exasperated. He put his bag down on the ground, and said, “If you're going to criticize me do it for a good reason. You can't have more mixed feelings than I have.” Severus thrust his travelling cloak backwards onto the ground, revealing his school uniform beneath. He ripped back his left sleeve, where the Dark Mark sat like a vivid, living tattoo. “Now you can hate me.”

Livius stared at the Mark and he looked like he was biting back the urge to yell or vomit or both, Then the sadness hit. Then Livius' eyes were overcome by tears. “How could I hate you? I may hate what you do at times, but never could I hate you.” He stared at the Mark. “Put it away before my supper hits the floor. It does nauseate me a fair amount.” Severus raised his eyebrows and looked as if he was going to talk back, but decided better of it. 

“It seems I can't really believe what I thought it meant, compared to what it does mean." Severus said. “Even this early. Four days I've had this Mark. I want to protect you. Now that I'm “in” as it were, I realize they try to keep us in check by threatening us. You are the only obvious person they could threaten to hurt that they know would hurt me.”

“I'm not moving. You protect me! You need protection from yourself. Remember your Occlumency, that is your protection, and mine. And what about all the people who get assaulted, blackmailed, cursed along the way? You don't care to protect them?”

“You think I care?” Severus said, sneering. “And what I want is not what they want, or even what the Dark Lord wants. It is what we want that matters.” He dropped his sneer, and said, “I don't want you hurt. I want you to get to the fire, and Floo out of here, somewhere they can't find you.” He sounded sombre again. Livius brought out all Severus' emotions, or at least some of them. Was this a bad thing, Severus wondered. “I don't want the path I chose. It's too late. So I will allow myself to submerge under the icy depth that is power through violence.” He shrugged those thin shoulders and said, “It doesn't matter. He was taking over without me. But if I can add something, something more subtle, I shall do it gladly.”

“Do you think Lily would be impressed? She's a Muggle-born!” Livius sounded angry.

“Do you think that concerns me now?” Severus spat.

“Yes, I do.” Livius pulled back his greying hair, his receding temples obvious. Then it fell again, and obscured his vision. He thrust back his long hair, and stared at his grandson. He knew he could count on Lily Evans' existence to be a counter-argument.

“It's too late now. I hate what I'm in for, yet I'm still in it, all the way.” Severus looked at his grandfather. “Lily rejected me. I don't reject her, but I do set myself opposite her.”

“That's rejection.” Livius' tone was final. Severus looked anguished. “I- I know.” he said, looking at Livius with slightly bloodshot eyes. “I will make sure she is safe. She's still at Hogwarts. Nothing can happen to her under Dumbledore's bent and crooked nose.” Severus' eyebrows were contracted. He looked seventeen, soon to be eighteen, going on seventy as all of his muscles tightened thinking of what could happen to Lily ... and Livius. He thought he had thought things through well before making his decision to be a Death Eater. Obviously not.

“We need a game of 'silent' chess,” shrugged Livius. He brought out the chessboard, and carefully set out the pieces. 

“I don't want 'silent' chess. It is louder than anything.” Severus said stubbornly.

“You play white,” Livius said firmly.

And so they began to play, bedraggled pawns and a bishop the first victims. Severus could barely concentrate, and yet he could concentrate more deeply than ever before, once he put his mind to it. There were more distractions, yes, but he felt he had more power. It must have something to do with being branded, with being a powerful link in a powerful chain. Yet regret ate at him. The silence was extremely tense.

“How do you feel?” Livius asked quietly, breaking the silence. “I have never asked you truly before, because you could not bear to answer it. I must intrude this time, and ask you how you feel.”

Severus' knight was being dragged off the board by Livius' queen. “I can't answer that question,” Severus said tersely. “I don't want some discussion about my feelings. You have guessed all too much already.”

“Please. I need to know what goes on under that black mop we like to call hair.” Livius was smiling. Severus was completely thrown by this display of light-heartedness. Still, his rook took out a pawn, Livius moved his queen diagonally, strategically, not foreseeing the danger his queen was in. Severus' one remaining bishop took her out of the game.

“The mop we call hair. Are we speaking your mop or my mop?” Severus asked darkly. Livius chuckled. “Not the fine old greying mop, the fine young black mop.” He looked slantwise at Severus, the eternally rising eyebrow raised to it's limit. Destructive and angry as Severus felt at the moment, he actually smiled. “So long as I get to keep the brain under my mop. I'd make a great Ravenclaw, but you lads are too smart to let me in your common room, like you said. I prefer shrewdness to intellectual games of self-deception.” Severus' bishop and a pawn were now chasing Livius' king hither and thither.

“Which is the start of our discussion. You shrewdly playing games of self-deception,” Livius sighed, wit evading him for the moment.

“Checkmate. How I don't wish to win.” Severus said. He stood and moved away from the board. He turned to face away from Livius, and went into the kitchen and picked up Prince, who was now far more cat than kitten. He picked him up and let him lie across his shoulder, stroking him and rubbing the flat, short fur above his nose with one finger. His stomach was shaking. “Shrewdly playing games of self-deception.” Livius could not possibly know how deeply that hurt, because it was the truth. 

Severus let Prince melt from his shoulder to the floor. Then he turned to face Livius, his stomach still shaking. “One. I haven't been able to eat much, my stomach is too nervous. Two: I can't sleep right because of nightmares. Worse than usual. Three. I'm scared, not just for those I love but for myself and also victims of whatever plans the Dark Lord has. Four. I search endlessly in the Restricted Section for Dark spells that might help me survive, and I've found some, too, but can't think of when they'd apply, and Five...five is my fear of losing you. You see I do talk about emotions, with you, even normally, far more than with anyone else. You have no idea how I am on my own.”

“And how do you feel about the Dark Mark?”

“The Dark Mark is a humiliation, yes, but a proud humiliation, if you can understand that.” Severus said, echoing his previous thoughts. “It is fear. Yet it is a worthwhile fear. Or is it? I don't know.” Severus voice started to rise slightly. “I don't know! I don't know anything anymore. I can't let myself feel, because I might drown in the angst of it! I...” Severus' last words were extinguished by a tightening of his larynx.

Severus lowered his voice and spoke in a hoarse whisper, “I love to win, but not this game. This game I hope I lose. It's too late. It's a lifetime of servitude, or death. Which would you choose!” 

Livius looked at Severus, black eye to black eye. “Neither. I'd gather all the information I could, then defect to Dumbledore.”

“I...have considered that option. How would Dumbledore feel about a Death Eater's request? And above all I am curious, very curious, about the Dark Arts and everything to do with them. I can't leave now. I thought I was up above it, now I'm down in it.” Severus said.

“So you must still use your Occlumency and Legilimency so as to switch if need be.” Livius said.

“Actually, I was going to use Occlumency and Legilimency to make pancakes.”

“Glad to see you have a little snark left in you,” Livius said, smiling. “I was getting worried there. Unpack your bag. This is home. Me, your little cat, and the couch. Better than any alternative open to you. Where would you turn, if I were to reject you? I have no choice but to love you.” Livius stared into the dark eyes of Severus Snape. “I have no choice but to love you,” he repeated.

 

Section XI: Not Help Or Hinder

It was pouring outside the cottage that dwelt by the slumbering sea. Severus unlocked the door and entered. “Grandpa Livius! I finished my NEWTs, and guess what?” A shrewd yet pleasant look crossed Severus' face, “They don't care! But I care. I'm a fully qualified wizard now! Something no one can take from me. No one.”

Livius looked as his grandson entered the cottage with no small surprise. “It's you, thank goodness, I was beginning to think perhaps a worse visitor. One of your charming friends wanted to visit and you know I am against defensive enchantments on principle. So I left the frizzy haired witch at the door and refused to let her in. She was asking questions about you.”

“Did you lie?” asked Severus, brow furrowed, hoping 'yes'.

“Of course. And yes, I used Occlumency,” Livius said, foreseeing the question. “She didn't seem convinced.”

“Bellatrix never is,” Severus said bitterly.

“The wench has a name?” The irony was heavy in Livius' voice, but more tiredness than anything. “Well, unpack. Unless you wish to leave and find another home. But it is a good idea to have a bit of savings.”

“I'm accepted at St Mungo's the minute they receive my grades. I believe I surpassed them. Assistant Healer sounds better than Loyal Henchman.” Severus looked into Livius' eyes, so dense in their blackness, but with a warmth that Severus' eyes never seemed to attain. Sometimes he felt he had a hardness inside like biting on tinfoil in his soul. He was just that way. Nothing he could do or say could break it. Not Lily. Not Livius. And never, never the Dark Lord.

Livius set up the chessboard as silently as the game was played. Severus sat down automatically. “I will find my own place. Now that mother and father have moved, Spinner's End is free. They ditched it. It's run down, but it's mine to have.”

“And do you wish to live there?” Livius asked while two pawns acted like pawns and dutifully dropped dead. One of Livius' and one of Severus'. Severus then, predictably, brought out a bishop.

“Want to live in that...brick shithouse? Oh, so very much, the same way I'd love to hug a Venomous Tentacula.” He dropped the sarcasm, and added, “You are welcome to live with me.”

“I prefer you or no one. Preferably with you, here, but I must let a young man get on with his life, whatever mistakes he's made.” Livius' eyes twinkled. Severus' eyes glittered. “I'll fix up Spinner's End. Then I'll see about coming back here. Should not take too long. I can also give you a number of Galleons for your use, as I used you well enough.” Severus actually sounded bashful. Livius held up a hand with a stern look. “Do not insult me with such an offer again. We are a family, not a business.”

They had had many chess matches, and time rolled by. It was 1978, and Severus was not interested in disco. He was up to his neck in danger and darkness. He loathed it and yet was drawn to it, much the same situation as a cult member who wishes to leave but still finds the cults' secrets compelling. In fact, it was a cult, the Death Eaters, only with power.

They played in silence for a while. Livius was still trying to wrap his nimble brain around Severus being of the ilk of that Bellabitch. He would still swap his life for Severus' freedom and clarity of mind. But there is no turning back a clock that has been ticking the same way for so long, he thought miserably. Only calamity could change him now.

“Why hasn't Voldemort come for me? Or at least one of his henchmen, to threaten or otherwise intimidate me? Blackmail me? Try to recruit me?”

“I told you! I said you would not help or hinder.”

“I'm a member of the Order of the...” Livius started, but Severus hissed “shh!” Livius kept smiling in situations that were earnest. It drove Severus crazy. “I do not care if they know, once we have brought down Voldemort.” Livius' smile lingered. Severus' rook was now engaging Livius' rook. Severus' rook was swept off its square and made its sad way off the board. “I have to know, has he made you use any Unforgivable Curses?” Livius asked.

“Not as of yet. Why, were you going to chuck me to the Dementors?” Severus' tone was sardonic.

“I can try to keep you free...” Livius began, but Severus interrupted his grandfather.

“I try to keep you free. And you can say I spied, because I have told you, and therefore the Order, that I am passing information through you.” Dexterous and sly, that was Severus, Livius thought. The eternal Slytherin. “Not nearly enough to compensate for your actions,” he said. They played in silence again, neither Severus or Livius using wands to make the pieces move. Telekinesis, Muggles called it. Sadly, Livius took down Severus' queen in utter silence. Being a drama queen, her head rolled off. Severus and Livius snorted at the exact same moment in exactly the same way.

“We have more in common than black hair and the nose,” Severus observed, as Livius defeated Severus' king.“About time you won.”

**

Severus returned every year, three times a year, until he was 21. He went just to play chess, and hope that Livius would move to Spinner's End. It had a slightly claustrophobic book collection, and the furniture was battered. He was an Apprentice Healer, and thought that he was competent. Beyond competent. He wished he could spend his entire life as a Healer, but the job of being a spy on everyone and everything didn't allow for much of a future. The Dark Lord was paranoid and a sociopath, and his fear infected the entire Wizarding world. 

He spied everywhere, including the Hog's Head. And he had overheard – in part – a prophecy made by Trelawney. This he had related to Voldemort, who bade him leave and told him he had been of use. He hadn't the faintest inkling, but then he realized with horror that Lily was due to give birth in late July. If felt like his stomach fell through his intestines and landed in his bowels. He thrust the door back open. No one talked back to the Dark Lord so it took some nerve.

“If it is to be the Potters, spare Lily. The only request I have ever made of you.” Severus tried hard not to plead, biting back whimpers and begging ... and vomiting.

“If she is not foolish I shall consider not harming her. And after the Potters, I visit the Longbottoms. They at least are of pure blood. This Lily is a Mudblood. I care not either way.” Voldemort said, his scarlet eyes gleaming in the semi-darkness.

Severus' expression did not change. “Excuse the interruption, my Lord.” and he backed out of the room, heart pounding, hoping he had been extremely inscrutable.

**

Dumbledore met Severus while the trees whipped loudly, then silently, his hair lashing wildly around him. Severus felt irrational fear. He begged that Lily be spared, then agreed after Dumbledore told him so very kindly that Severus disgusted him that the old man should keep them all safe. Dumbledore's contempt for him hurt more than he cared to admit.

“What will you give me in return, Severus?” Dumbledore asked, to which Severus gave a slightly hesitant reply, because he was one of those people who thought before they spoke. “Anything.” Severus answered. If he was honest he wanted this day to come, but without threat to those he loved.

**

Severus scoured the Daily Prophet for birth announcements on the 31st of July. There were two births. It was as the Dark Lord had foreseen and as Severus had feared. Harry Potter. Neville Longbottom. Lily! He buried his face behind the newspaper and then put it down and clasped his hands over his face. No tears but dry tears, the racking sobs that never appeared on the outside. Then he felt probing sensors enter his mind.

Bellatrix glided over to him. “What's the matter itsy Snapey? Not having second thoughts on your allegiance, are you? I detected honesty in your pain. You aren't going to be the Dark Lord's famous spy in St Mungo's, His favourite indeed! I'll make sure that he knows the truth. Unless you do me a favour.”

“What are you talking about? You're blathering nonsense as per usual.” Severus growled at her, his eyes like coals and tunnels, like darkness and fear. “You say a thousand words with one look,” Bellatrix said. Severus looked away from her with snarky contempt. Then, his face set on sarcastic, he said, “You can say a thousand words, provided the Dark Lord writes them for you. You are no original thinker. What you see is never what you get, unless it's you. Gifted witch, slut, without remorse, and dripping with diseases.”

“You'll pay!” Bellatrix snapped, he mock baby voice forgotten.

“So they say, but give me the Sickles and Galleons first so I can pay you,” Severus sneered.

“Ha, ha. I don't trust you, Snape,” she said, spitting his surname, “and the Dark Lord doesn't trust you either.”

“Let us finish this conversation later. I have a night shift and I don't want to be late for work.” Severus was lying though his teeth. He had a day off. He needed to make sure of things.

**

Dumbledore told Severus about the Fidelius Charm, that Black had sealed in October. Severus was not pleased. “That arrogant...” he began. Dumbledore cut him short.”You are both members of the Order even if you haven't met each other as such just yet.”

“He'll betray them. He nearly killed me. I would rather die than see Lily...and I fear, too, for my grandfather Livius Prince. He refuses to do protective charms on principle, and is in the Order. You must not fail in guarding him – I could be Secret Keeper.”

“You would die for Lily and Livius. Interesting. But you would not give up the Dark Arts so easily,” Dumbledore observed. “I will not make you Secret Keeper. He has his own principles.” Dumbledore sighed and looked older than usual. There was no twinkle in the blue eyes- they looked like chips of ice. Power emanated from him, and Severus thought this great and terrible force had its grip on far more than just Slytherin house. It was in everything. “I will use every bit of cunning possible to protect them. Make no mistake.”

**

On Halloween night the worst just had to occur. Lily, dead. James..even James was a tragedy. He had not expected that, And this Harry...he has her eyes, precisely her eyes, Dumbledore had told him as he let out a wounded whimper. And now he had to leave Hogwarts, get to the boundaries and Apparate to Livius' cottage. He had to be, had to be, up to a game of 'silent' chess. He would explode, implode and twist into nothingness. She had died for her son. Was Livius all right? He reached the castle boundaries, turned on his heel with a flapping of black robes, and Disapparated.

 

Section XII: The Pitch of Danger

Severus Apparated about twenty feet from his grandfather's cottage. The water seemed to roar like an angry sea monster. A faint green light was in the far-off horizon, signalling the beginning of dawn. No, wait, Severus thought, rooted to the spot, and his worst fear was realized as he saw the Dark Mark floating over the cottage. He bolted inside, wand out, muttering ”Lumos.” His wandtip ignited, casting beams of light wherever he pointed it.

“Grglra,” A noise of someone alive! His grandfather? He rushed to see. He fell down on all fours and held Livius' shoulders and head. Blood was running from his neck. Laying Livius down, he bolted for the kitchen cupboard where he kept his potions. Accio Dittany! he rasped and the bottle soared to him. He rushed back to Livius and crouched over him, applying Dittany with a small cloth handkerchief. Not sterile, but there was always Essence of Rue. 

Livius sat up, horribly weakened. “Blood Replenishing Potion!” Severus stood as if thrown from a horse, jerkily. He moved quickly and hared toward the Potions cupboard. “Who did this to you?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“That Bellatrix. She particularly seemed joyful at slitting my throat. Some people you like to hang with.” His words sounded bubbly. Severus closed his eyes and wished that the Dittany had done the trick. Then Livius took the Blood Replenishing Potion. They lay beside each other on the cold floor, not speaking for five minutes during which they tried for hope.

“You need to move to the Order's headquarters. You'll be safe there. I feel safe there. I have been in the Order since August. I falsify my role as faithful Death Eater. Dumbledore vouches for me and gave testimony for me. That is all that matters. That, and you. And what seems an age ago, a lifetime away, so did Lily. She still does.”

“Perhaps I shall move. Perhaps not. They consider me dead, what could be safer?” A wide grin appeared on his face. “You got here less than thirty seconds after that Bellabitch left.” Livius sat up, and spat out blood mixed with bubbly whitish phlegm. Severus daubed the Dittany on Livius' neck. Severus could barely believe Bellatrix wouldn't finish the job some other way, unless she planned to return to the scene, They had to move.

“Don't go fannying about with the Order. Please, keep a low profile.” Severus whispered.

“You “fanny about” with the Order.” said Livius proudly, but with a hint of scorn.

“Really, I fanny about with Chaos.” Severus supplied. Livius smiled weakly. He was not well. He'd have the scar on his neck for a while, because she seemed to have slit his neck with a poisoned blade. More scurrying in the haphazard, makeshift Potions lab. Severus tore through boxes, and yes, a bezoar was available.

“Swallow this. The blade was poisoned. I hope it is straight ahead and can be dealt with easily, because I haven't got the materials to make other potions.” Severus stared intently at his grandfather, wishing that something go his way after the long last few months.

It seemed he got his wish – Livius nearly choked on the bezoar but ten minutes later he sat up taller and moved to the sofa. He said in a cleverly deceptive voice, “I think it is high time we had a chess match.”

“You aren't well enough,” Severus said, concerned. Livius shrugged. “Let's have strategic chess. Silent but strategic. We need to know why I was attacked tonight and the depths of your commitment to Dumbledore. “The Order needs more protection for the Potters."

“Lily's husband is a dolt.” Severus interjected bitterly. 

There was a silence while the chess pieces were laid out. Livius looked very pale. Severus forced him to drink more Blood Replenishing Potion. His skin tone slowly improved.

“I am wounded on the outside but not on the inside. I knew last week you had become an Order member. I wondered how you could do that and still be a Death Eater. Spying the opposite way you're used to? I'm proud. I don't need to die for you any more. The battle is over, the war lives on. As you once said.” Livius eyed Severus. “May I have your word you are indeed working against Voldemort?”

“Quite. You may have my word, nothing less.” Severus' mouth twitched as though he were about to smile. “Come, 'silent, strategic' chess,” Livius said.

Livius played white, and just to confuse Severus, only moved his pawn forward one square. Tactics were not Livius' strong suit. Severus, however, was a shrewd operator.

Severus moved a pawn two spaces away forward two spaces. “First of all, Bellatrix hates me and will do anything to discredit me. Livius let loose another pawn. He acted like he didn't know what moves he was playing.

“You are no coward.” Livius told his grandson. “You have a few faults but a coward, no. Not by a long shot.”

Severus smiled slightly. He looked less sombre, at any rate. “Thank you.” he told Livius stiffly. Severus thought. "Do I ever change?” he asked. “Yes,” Livius answered, bringing out a knight from the rear ranks.

“I said I would die to keep you from the Dark Lord, and to tell you the truth, I keep slipping away.” Livius smiled again, a real smile, as though death were incidental. 

“Stop pretending you're Dumbledore! And you aren't dying! Lie down, let me try to reverse this,” Severus said, his mind a yowling animal in pain. He took out his wand and aimed it at Livius' throat. It was drawn out, this song of healing, the only hope he had. “Twice more, stay conscious, please,” Severus' voice was constricted with emotion, but then became overly light and cheery. “No worries, you'll be just fine.” Again he chanted the counter-curse with the tune of comfort in it. “Once more,” Livius said, then his face fell to the side, and he gave his grandson Severus a half-smile. Then a look of contentment stole over him, and Severus knew he was gone. Wounded to the core, he lay across Livius' upper body, and wept bitter, silent tears.

Severus had too much in one day. He crept across the floor, grabbed a random flagon of some silken liquid, which he recognized as the Draught of Living Death.

He didn't want to think. He was swallowed by a sea of pillows, it seemed, comfortable and warm and beckoning, not caring if he would wake.

**

Two weeks had passed and Severus had no idea why he was in St Mungo's. He had woken up surrounded by white sheets and a grey blanket, with someone leaning over him.

“Welcome, Severus. Your Draught of Living Death scared the living daylight out of me. Look. Your Ditanny and Bezoar may be simple....simple ingenuity and resourcefulness...I won't wonder at the need for Slytherin among the houses any more. What was that healing spell, that was...” The voice halted for a moment to allow Severus to speak, but he didn't.

Livius' knotted hand handed Severus a bloodstained pawn. “You were holding this. It fell out of your hand just as you went under.”

Still Severus didn't speak. “I thought everyone I loved was gone,” he said finally. “To be in this world without love is pointless errant nonsense."

“The Imperius Curse is the number one excuse for all of the Death Eaters...minus one. You never claimed to be bewitched to do things against your will. I am under investigation by old Crouch for even knowing you.”

“That's the risk you took. You were fool enough to want to play silent chess.” Severus smirked slightly.

“I merely wanted to know you more, and I am very lucky I did. How about a game of chess on your knees, plain old wizard chess?”

“If I were a pawn, you would not tell me where to go. Let it be silent. I have room at Spinner's End for all your books and yourself. But who has been taking care of...”

A wickerwork basket lay on a table beside Grandpa Livius. Severus smiled and leaned back on his pillows and Livius opened the basket, then lifted a small albino cat onto Severus' narrow chest. He stroked the cat using thin, stringy arms that had been his since before he had met Lily. Livius was sitting next to Severus now, and Prince jumped onto his lap.

“I could be terribly sappy and say that cat knows where to find love,” Severus observed with a hint of irony. They both knew no irony applied.

Prince leaped into Severus' lap, and Livius laughed. “He certainly does.” 

They set up the chessboard.

And Severus and Livius Lived Snarkily Ever After.


End file.
